Cafe of Doom

My sister and I rarely argue. In fact, it is so infrequent, I can tell you exactly: once every two years. Truly. Of course, we may annoy each other now and again or tell each other to shut up, but proper arguments only ever happen once every two years, when we go on holiday. Now, for the last while we have spent our holidays in Las Vegas, and by a bizarre twist, every time we went in this certain cafe, we would have the holiday argument. So much so, that it became known as the 'cafe of doom.'
Here are the arguments and what happened:

Argument 1

Jess: (sitting quietly writing in her travel journal)
Me: You have put that apostrophe in the wrong place
Jess: Have I? (doesn't change it)
Me: Are you going to change it?
Jess: No
Me: Shall I give you a quick lesson on apostrophes?
Jess: No
Me: Why not?
Jess: Because I am on holiday
Me: So, for the rest of your life, you are going to always do that wrong?
Jess: No, you can tell me another time, but not now
Me: Why don't I tell you now? It's easy..possession, omission, contraction
Jess: (becoming stubborn)  I am not listening
Me: Just do it now
Jess: NO BECAUSE I AM ON HOLIDAY
Me : (completely overreacting and starting to cry) Why are you shouting at me?????


Argument Two

Jess: (sitting quietly enjoying her drink)
Me: (assorted annoying teasing )
Jess: Leave me alone!
Me: Alright, don't have a stroke!
Jess: I wish I did have a stroke to get away from you.
Me: (massive over reaction) OH MY GOD TAKE THAT BACK!!
Jess: (stubborn) No.
Me: That is such an awful thing to say- you have tempted fate, take it back
Jess: No.
Me: So do you really wish to have a stroke?
Jess: Mel, just leave it
Me: Do you though?
Jess: Leave it
Me: (big over reaction and crying) OH MY GOD I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT.

ARGUMENT THREE

Jess: (sitting quietly reading a magazine)
Me: (bit bored) My leg is sore, do you think I have got a DVT off the plane?
Jess: No
Me: How do you know?
Jess: Because it's rare and you haven't got one.
Me: You are not a doctor, you don't know I have not got one
Jess: No, but you probably have not got one
Me: I'll keep an eye on it
Jess: (settling back down to magazine)
Me: I hope I haven't got one
Jess: Oh shut up moaning or I'll kick you in the DVT
Me: (Shocked) OH MY GOD you know i am worried about that!!
Jess: (uncontrollably laughing at her own joke) sorry
Me: (annoyed silence)
Jess: (reaches over at tugging at the sleeve of my dress- I hear a ripping sound)
Me: Ow! What you doing?
Jess: (impatient) sorry! I was hiding your back fat!
Me: ( avoiding crying by eating red velvet cake ball)

Putting it all in print has made me realise exactly who is to blame for these arguments every time. I will have to have words with Jess before our next holiday.